Refuse to be Ashamed

You're ashamed? You think I care?

It didn't happen to you:

I owe an old friend... an apology and a debt of gratitude.

I have a friend, she is a little younger than I, she played a pivotal role in my life and it seems a much deeper significant role in my families life, 22 years later.

Before I had my flashbacks (I'm a dissociated incest survivor with 5 years missing, my chronological childhood memories begin at age 10) I was an emotional mess.

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I had made a family with another sex abuse survivor, neither of us were aware that we were incest survivors, both of us were codependent and unaware of that.

This was before the term codependent was a widely used, the mid eighties. I was a love addict, with irrational jealousy issues and partnered with a woman who was incapable of being monogamous... I set my self up as a martyr, and a victim, and was reliving my parent's failed marriage with me playing the role of "this time Dad is gonna get it right and Mom isn't going to leave".

Well, predictably (Unconsciously a codependent CHOOSES a partner that is going to play this role, without consciously knowing that we're doing this) she kept disappointing me. Unbeknowngst to me, she was doing the opposite of disappointing me, but this is the role a coda plays.

I raged, what I did was exactly what my Dad did when I was 10... I raged, was a ragaholic, verbally abusive to both the mother of my kids and my kids... My friend observed this and she was a trusted ally, an intellectual equal of mine, and I greatly valued her input.

All she did was ask me (and ask in a way that I couldn't simply ignore)
"What is wrong?"

I knew that I didn't have an answer.

Just the realization of that simple fact showed me that there was more going on with me internally than I was willing to be aware of.

kindofa

stuff you know but you don't wanna know that you know

She kept me from depression, a depression severe enough that I considered ending my life. I KNEW *something* was wrong... 

It is extremley confusing to be able to do complex equations, understand quantum physics, be able to recall intricate details of pre Christian History... and not be capable of walking and chewing bubblegum at the same time

I did not understand how or why I could be so capable in some areas and so inept in others, how could I have insight in some areas and did stupid stuff that I should have known better. It seemed I had conveniently obscured appropriate behavior... very similar to the movie "Drop Dead Fred".

Well I lost track of this valued and trusted friend, she never knew just how much she did for me... I found her on Facebook, after 20 odd years.

So what did I do?

I wanted to... wanted to tell her how much she meant to me, tell how what fantastic things God had done in answering my prayers, prayers that she had a very pivotal part in.

I also wanted to illustrate to her that I chose to do what Oprah and John Bradshaw did. They very publicly speak candidly about the sex abuse, other people get embarrased... to hell with that, we refuse to be ashamed of what we had no control over.

Why do this?

Oprah Winfrey single handedly drug this culture, kicking and screaming out of the darkness of shame and quite forcibly MADE the country own up to the fact that shame was what was perpetuating sex abuse- 'don't talk about it', 'sweep it under the rug'... My entire family knew about Queer Uncle Purse and they knew my Grandfather had been caught with a little boy before... it was 'unthinkable' too heinous to admit. Shame, what the F*** are YOU ashamed of, it didn't happen to you damnit!

You and your 'shame' is keeping this from being fixed, that was the world BEFORE Oprah.

There is shame... and there is

Toxic Shame

Most codependents confuse guilt with shame... they are not synonyms 

Guilt is you've made a mistake

Shame is you ARE a mistake

Fast-forward to my friend and my meeting up with her on Facebook.

I'm better, but not out of the woods... translation? I still do codependent thinking, a lot, LOT better than 'before' but I still have the capacity to be 'self centered'.

Just because I use Facebook to proselytize, does not give me the right to be obnoxious.

What gives me the right to write on someone's Facebook wall what I think the world should see? That kind of stuff is what these blogs are for.. it's not like I don't get the word out very, very effectively, I mean I've had the #1 spot in Google for 6 consecutive years (keyword: Victim Behavior) I have thousands of avid readers...

So I owe someone very dear to me an apology.

This post is my attempt at said apology.

That's all I have for this morning



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